We have all heard of the expression “forgive and forget” — but why is it so difficult for most people to let go of animosity? And even if we can possibly do the forgiving, can we ever truly forget in a situation where we feel seriously “wronged?”
The question is: can forgiving others really impact your life substantially for the better? The dictionary definition of the verb “forgive” means to stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone for an offense, flaw or mistake. All of us have experienced situations where we tend to hold on to anger and hostility. Sometimes we have a truly good reason to hang on to it; other times it is really a “perceived” or subjective condition that seems to magnify over time in our minds. For instance, if one’s spouse or partner cheats on them — most would agree that such an action is morally and ethically wrong. And that might justify hostile, negative thought regarding the wayward person.
However, take the case of the boss who chooses to promote one employee over another, even though both appear qualified for the position. How does the non-promoted employee feel — does he/she start to hold a grudge against the boss, harboring resentment? This is a more gray area, and I suspect many would say, “get over it — just be glad you have a job in this economy.” But the person who did not get promoted might take this to heart and let it fester until it negatively impacts their work environment as well as their psyche.
What about family forgiveness? What family does not have at least one relationship that is filled with friction and bad feelings? In my own life, one branch of cousins had a falling out with my side of the family, and there was no communication for nearly twenty years. You think at that point when no one can remember what the argument was even about, that maybe it’s time to make up and be harmonious again? Fortunately, one of my cousins showed up out of the blue right at the graveside of my mother’s funeral and amends were finally made with very emotional overtones.
But real forgiveness — the kind that comes from our hearts — and really helps us let go of the pain, the anger and the sadness — is often hard to do. Why do we insist on holding on to our anger and resentment? Isn’t it so much more healing for us to release those negative emotions? Yet it appears to be human nature to keep it bottled inside.
There are different ways to forgive and different forms of forgiveness:
1) Forgiving someone from your own perspective. This type of forgiveness does not actively involve the other person who is the object of your bitter feelings. This means doing the inner work on your own (or with a therapist, counselor, etc.) — piece by piece, releasing each segment of negative, resentful emotion. When these blockages are truly gone, your psyche should feel healed and clear — this is a major “cleansing” process.
2) Forgiving someone face to face. Some situations are best resolved actively with the other person. You need to sincerely share your forgiveness and let them know you are ready to begin anew with the relationship. You may wish to ask for them to forgive you too. This scenario asks that you let go of blame and fault — and only focus on healing and moving forward.
3) Learning from the experience. Life teaches us all kinds of lessons, and we need to be open to at least learn from difficult experiences. What can you personally learn from the experience of holding on to the anger versus letting forgiveness into your life? What lessons will you take into the future to improve and enrich your relationships?
4) Accepting healing into your life and moving on. Being open to complete emotional healing is key to the act of forgiveness. When we are stuck in prolonged situations of anger toward others, our lives are certainly not joyful. The more anger you feel, the more anger and negativity you attract into your life. So, to answer my earlier question, I DO believe that forgiving can point one’s life in a significantly positive direction. By allowing both your mind and heart to heal, letting the pain subside, and focusing on positivity, you will be able to move forward in life in a peaceful and balanced way.
Affirmations for forgiveness:
- I release all anger and resentment, and replace this with genuine forgiveness.
- Forgiving others brings me to a peaceful place of understanding and balance.
- By letting go of all past hurts, my heart opens to healing and harmony.
