How many times do you find yourself in a conversation with someone, and know you are “hearing” them but yet your mind is racing ahead to the next part of your day, your next task, your next meal? We are all guilty of this. To nurture and strengthen our relationships, we need to take time and effort to be really there for those that mean the most to us.
In general, you need to make it clear that the lines of communication are open between you and the other person, whether it be parent, child, spouse, friend. That means verbally stating it from time to time – or even more often. You have to agree to be honest and authentic with each other, and make every effort to keep to that.
Listening with focused attention is one of the most generous ways that you can be there for another person. When most people listen, they are engaged in what can be considered “Level 1 Listening.” This is when most of the attention is still on yourself, and when what you hear is placed within your own context. Often you are ready to interject without really hearing all that the other person wants or needs to get across to you.
Level 2 Listening in this way shifts the focus to the person who is speaking, and their own “agenda.” It involves hearing more than just the words. It is noticing tone, pace and feelings as well.
Active Listening takes this a step further. I learned this effective listening technique many years ago when I decided to take a parenting class when my children were very young. My goal was to develop clear lines of communication with my kids while they were still young, before they reached the turbulent teen years.
This tool requires the listener to understand, interpret and evaluate what he/she has heard. It involves restatement and paraphrasing. There are a few steps to follow:
• Look at the person with a direct gaze, and make sure they perceive you as being fully engaged.
• Make a conscious effort to suspend your own judgments and be open minded
• Observe the other person’s body language to help you interpret more clearly what the speaker is actually trying to communicate
• Periodically restate or paraphrase what the speaker has said (though it doesn’t necessarily mean that you agree – you are just showing that you have been listening clearly and validating the expression of their statement) For example if you hear, “I am very unhappy with the way my Supervisor has been talking down to me lately…” Repeat back, in a calm voice, “so you are unhappy with the way your Supervisor is talking down to you…” or “so you are very unhappy with the way your Supervisor is treating you…”
• In an emotionally charged exchange, pay attention to the feelings coming through. Instead of paraphrasing statements, you might just describe the emotions you observe: “you seem to be very frustrated. Is that because…?”
If you use this technique with a child, it can be very helpful. When you hear a statement such as “I’m really having a hard time in Math class” turn your complete attention to your child. Look at him/her and focus. And just state “so you are really having a hard time in Math class.” Pause, don’t say anything, and wait for your child to respond. Most of the time, they really DO respond. I used this technique many times when my kids were young, and it often served to draw them out, and encouraged them to speak up because they knew I was listening with 100% attention. When they shared freely and clearly, we were able to work on improving or resolving any challenge which they were facing.
