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How many times do you find yourself in a conversation with someone, and know you are “hearing” them but yet your mind is racing ahead to the next part of your day, your next task, your next meal? We are all guilty of this. To nurture and strengthen our relationships, we need to take time and effort to be really there for those that mean the most to us.
In general, you need to make it clear that the lines of communication are open between you and the other person, whether it be parent, child, spouse, friend. That means verbally stating it from time to time – or even more often. You have to agree to be honest and authentic with each other, and make every effort to keep to that.
Listening with focused attention is one of the most generous ways that you can be there for another person. When most people listen, they are engaged in what can be considered “Level 1 Listening.” This is when most of the attention is still on yourself, and when what you hear is placed within your own context. Often you are ready to interject without really hearing all that the other person wants or needs to get across to you.
Level 2 Listening in this way shifts the focus to the person who is speaking, and their own “agenda.” It involves hearing more than just the words. It is noticing tone, pace and feelings as well.
Active Listening takes this a step further. I learned this effective listening technique many years ago when I decided to take a parenting class when my children were very young. My goal was to develop clear lines of communication with my kids while they were still young, before they reached the turbulent teen years.
This tool requires the listener to understand, interpret and evaluate what he/she has heard. It involves restatement and paraphrasing. There are a few steps to follow:
• Look at the person with a direct gaze, and make sure they perceive you as being fully engaged.
• Make a conscious effort to suspend your own judgments and be open minded
• Observe the other person’s body language to help you interpret more clearly what the speaker is actually trying to communicate
• Periodically restate or paraphrase what the speaker has said (though it doesn’t necessarily mean that you agree – you are just showing that you have been listening clearly and validating the expression of their statement) For example if you hear, “I am very unhappy with the way my Supervisor has been talking down to me lately…” Repeat back, in a calm voice, “so you are unhappy with the way your Supervisor is talking down to you…” or “so you are very unhappy with the way your Supervisor is treating you…”
• In an emotionally charged exchange, pay attention to the feelings coming through. Instead of paraphrasing statements, you might just describe the emotions you observe: “you seem to be very frustrated. Is that because…?”
If you use this technique with a child, it can be very helpful. When you hear a statement such as “I’m really having a hard time in Math class” turn your complete attention to your child. Look at him/her and focus. And just state “so you are really having a hard time in Math class.” Pause, don’t say anything, and wait for your child to respond. Most of the time, they really DO respond. I used this technique many times when my kids were young, and it often served to draw them out, and encouraged them to speak up because they knew I was listening with 100% attention. When they shared freely and clearly, we were able to work on improving or resolving any challenge which they were facing.
“All my life’s a circle…” – Harry Chapin
Though the circle Harry may have been referring to was more of a cyclical, seasonal one – I feel that right now all MY life is a circle in a different perspective…as two “circles” have absorbed me within their bounds — in an uplifting way!
By circle – I mean circle of friends, people, or a support group. By some quirk of fate or divine happening, I find myself part of this wonderful, energetically passionate and motivated Mastermind Group. Jack Canfield’s “The Success Principles” teachings are the inspiration for the coming together of this group, and we now have regular phone calls to connect us. Being part of this Circle, whose deep energy resonates with my own, is sublimely empowering! We support each other’s business and spiritual growth, share ways of overcoming our individual challenges and obstacles, and really listen attentively to each other’s goals and plans. We give boost and lift to each other’s dreams!
The other circle that just emerged in my life is something I have been considering for a long while. It is a monthly Reiki Circle (also considered a Reiki share or a healing circle.) While at another Reiki share in a different town, I met two women who are actually right from my own town, almost neighbors, and they are encouraging me to begin my own Circle. So I am currently working on guidelines and plans to set this up. Reiki practitioners will share mini-healing sessions with each other. We will also welcome participants who might benefit from a Reiki treatment.
Circles and groups can empower us, enlighten us and give us a sense of community. Like-minded individuals help validate our self-worth, as well as give us a feeling of belonging to something far greater than than just our individual viewpoint.
If you are working toward specific goals, consider starting or joining a Mastermind Group. You can meet in person or over the phone, and it can be at whatever frequency works for you – my group meets ever other week over the phone. Ideally, groups should be about 5 to 6 people, but my group happens to have nine. It’s helpful to have a Leader who will guide the group and provide organization and agendas for the meetings. Since there are nine members, we have agreed that for each meeting we will “spotlight” three people and give them our full focus and input. Everyone gets a turn!
So find a circle that will enhance your life, provide feedback, companionship, guidance — or whatever you are seeking!
It has been announced that the new iPhone will deliver this amazing feature of multi-tasking — technologically speaking, to run more than one application at the same time, an ability that some of its competitors already have. I finally upgraded to an iPhone last year, for both business and personal reasons, and though I am enjoying the benefits of this cool techie-type device, the thought of a whole litany of programs needing to be managed at the same time is daunting.
And really, exactly how MUCH do we need to do at once? Isn’t it enough that we get all our email, our phone calls, keep our calendar, etc. How much CAN we actually do at once – how much SHOULD we do at once? Of course, some real geeky people are going to be so thrilled about this smartphone multitasking capability, but what about the rest of us? Why are we trying to stuff every minute with too many tasks – and how does that impact our life?
Modern life is chock full of overload – commitments, huge schedules, infinite tasks. All the gadgets we now use are supposed to simplify our lives. Why does it sometimes feel that they only complicate our reality?
And why are we trying to speed up and cram even more into these 24-hour segments by which we calculate our lives? Am I guilty of multi-tasking or what I term “over tasking” — absolutely yes! Like many others, I face that inner conflict of trying to slow down, be in the moment, relish the NOW, and all the while the frenetic pace of real life impatiently watches, beckoning me to just check that latest email.
But the frantic pace produces stress, overwhelm and anxiety — all unhealthy results of the “too-much” way of living. Though stress is often first emotionally-based, when it is continuous, it becomes physically based — often leading to imbalances, conditions and disease.
It is essential to take some time in your own life, in whatever way works for you personally, to make sure that you have time each day for:
- Focused Breathing (or some form of meditation) – clears out all the “debris,” stress and blockages and lets all things positive flow into your space and place of being
- Relationship Connection – Give attention to empowering, sustaining and enjoying the close relationships that surround you. Make sure to keep the bonds of connection stable, radiant and loving — including family, extended family, and friends
- Grounding – focusing into the powerful earth energy to remain balanced, centered and feeling at peace with the world
- Fun/Pleasure/Humor – This will boost your entire system – and uplift you to that feel-good zone
- Background Music – or foreground music. Listen to something your heart and soul can sing to! Play it softly in the background as accompaniment to your day, or play it loud and “karaoke” along!
- Just Being – not doing, not multi-tasking — just savoring the pulse and energy of the moment. Pause, sit and LISTEN to the natural sounds around you – whether this means the sounds of nature, the cars streaming by on the street outside, or the hum of the refrigerator in the kitchen. Just let yourself BE, with no expectations, no frantic thoughts circling through your brain. Try it – it’s not easy to do – but it’s really GOOD to do!
- Appreciate Yourself – Appreciate yourself for taking the time to be you. Acknowledge the steps you have taken to slow your life to a “perfect-for-me” pace. Be grateful for who you are – cherish your sincere, lovable, authentic self!
Something thought-provoking happened this week, causing me to reflect very seriously about how much the mind plays a role in our wellness. As you may know, I blog about optimistic thinking and positive living — because I truly believe in it with all my heart and spirit. And certainly feel-good uplifting thinking leads to corresponding emotions. Who wouldn’t prefer the glow of joy and inspiration over the negative feelings of a “doom and gloom” attitude?
But what specific event just set off the light bulb in my head and heart, an “ah ha” moment of sorts? It was my attendance at a funeral, held on a bleak, rainy day this past week. The deceased, whom I’ll call “Paul” (who was only in his 50s) was an acquaintance. His wife and I befriended each other many years ago as coworkers and remained fairly close over the years even though she and Paul had moved out of state several years back. Paul had an array of conditions — including an immune system imbalance — over the last decade, but certainly none of them were considered life-threatening or terminal. However, his health took an unexpected, sudden turn for the worse about a month before he passed, and pneumonia and high fevers may have been what ultimately contributed to his demise. However, the strange variety of conditions, pain, and symptoms that gripped him over the last decade was never fully understood by the medical community.
What one thing about Paul may have contributed to his decline? He was a worrier and a “negative thinker.” When his pain first started on a very minor level, he worried and worried about it, focusing on it with lots of powerful negative thought. The pain grew worse and worse, then over time expanded through other parts of his body, sometimes becoming quite debilitating. Paul worried about cleanliness — having his living space immaculate and perfect was of prime importance to him. Paul worried constantly about money and finances, though he was in sound financial shape and had a beautiful house. He also had a loyal, caring, supportive wife and son, whom he unquestionably loved, but who probably were not nearly clean enough for him, or lived up to his idea of real perfection. The more Paul worried about having his life be total perfection, the more it slipped into manifestation of imperfection in the guise of pain, illness and disease.
Now, for the other part of this story… At the funeral, seated beside me during the service, was “Nora,” a friend of a friend, whom I hadn’t seen since a get-together the summer before. Nora has had cancer for several years, having undergone some radical medical treatments to try to for a cure. One experimental surgical procedure sent her into remission and all was well … for awhile. But then, a scan revealed the cancer had returned in a very powerful way. She was given six months to live — and that was about nine months ago. And here she was at this funeral, right next to me, looking radiant, healthy and a medical miracle according to her doctors! Her tumors have shrunk dramatically and are continuing to do so.
How did she do it? Well, I will tell you that our get-together over the summer, right after her grim prognosis, Nora laughed and shrugged off what the doctors had told her, saying something like “I don’t believe it! I’m fine and will continue to be fine!” And I could hear in her tone that she meant it wholeheartedly. With support and research from her husband, she found numerous holistic healing methods, including a strict organic vegan diet, herbal medicine, and acupuncture. After her diagnosis, she refused any further chemo, which the doctors wanted to do to prolong her life by a couple of months. Her husband believed the chemo would completely destroy her body. Obviously, Nora and her husband had made good choices. And through it all, Nora kept up her strong, positive attitude.
So here I was at this funeral, staring at the casket of a man who may have worried and thought himself to death, while sitting next to me was someone who may have laughed and thought herself to life! What a dramatic dichotomy.
So I pose this question: can positive thinking help heal you? We know worrying and negative thinking is certainly going to bring you down. But if you believe with all your heart and spirit that you will live, will that at least give you a chance?
Well, I only present this experience here as food for thought — and in the hopes of encouraging you to bring greater emphasis to living your life in the positive lane. In this physical plane , each of us has the opportunity to live only one day at time anyway. So make a conscious effort to luxuriate in the now! Milk each moment for its glorious sensation of human expression, caring, connection… and above all else — love. I truly believe that love is the real point of life here.
“Our ability and capacity to say ‘no’ with confidence is one of the most important aspects of creating peace and power in our lives. This is about creating healthy boundaries, honoring ourselves, and being real – it’s not about being closed, cynical, or unwilling.” – Mike Robbins
How many times have you taken on too much for yourself simply because you were not strong enough to say “no?” It happens to all of us — there are so many demands made on us from all segments of our life. There are some days we feel we can sink under the weight of everyone wanting us to do something for them!
The ability to say “no” with confidence helps us regain a sense of calm and balance in our lives. It also gives us a genuine sense of personal empowerment and let’s us create some very critical boundaries for ourselves. When stress and overwhelm are high, there are undoubtedly many areas in your life which would benefit from saying “no” to certain extra or unnecessary tasks, chores, or commitments.
Of course, it’s often much easier to just bend and say “of course I’ll take care of that” even if your heart starts pounding and your mind races, trying to figure out how you truly WILL handle another commitment. That’s when one’s personal stress levels start to escalate. So I do believe that a sincere and genuine “no” is better than a coerced and reluctant “yes.”
Examine each situation carefully, with some serious consideration, and decide if it is something that you can easily, happily commit to. If not, and you truly feel that your highest good will be served by saying a definite “no” — go ahead, and be strong and sure about it. It is key to release any guilt and move forward after your decision. By decreasing the daily overload with your newfound ability to say “no,” you will ultimately reduce the stress level in your life and feel a surge of increased confidence too!
For part of my life I believed that negative thinking was genetic, and that I unfortunately had inherited the DNA coding for it. So for a long period of time, I was resigned to accept the way I was as my “fate or misfortune”.
I grew up in Brooklyn and my parents worked very hard in a “mom and pop” dry cleaning store just to make ends meet. Life then was about survival and affording the basics, not luxury and enlightenment. The intellectual and emotional tools they had for dealing with life were those that had been taught by THEIR parents, so they were not equipped to pass on any system of positive thinking.
This is all so clear in hindsight. I wish I had discovered the Law of Attraction earlier. I wish I had some earlier inkling that I was in possession of this amazing inner guidance system. I wish I understood that I’ve always had the ability to choose good thoughts and attain “high vibrations” despite outward circumstances. “Woulda, shoulda, coulda” is the old saying. I rationalize it by believing that sometimes the Universe works with something that is often referred to as “divine timing”. The concept of positive energy living seemed to flow into my life at the exact time I was ready to embrace and live these principles.
External circumstances of course influence us, but we can control our reactions to these. We can choose how we deal with situations. That is part of taking complete responsibility for all aspects of one’s life. It is not an easy thing to do. It takes inner work, focus and motivation.
For a person to change, they must WANT to change. Any desire to change and improve must come from within one’s own heart and soul. But know that change is possible. It is usually a process — sometimes a lifelong one.
The good thing is that there are so many resources available to help us make that positive change. For me, the breakthrough came when Reiki came into my life. I felt some inner “pull” toward this healing system. Little did I know when I began to study this technique, that I was on the steady course for a real “sea change” in my life — one for my highest good and inner transformation.
Often one needs some form of healing in their lives to help prepare the path for a positive change. Finding a good therapist, mentor or coach is an excellent way to guide your life into a more positive direction. Get recommendations and find someone who resonates with you, and has “great energy”. There are so many enlightening self-help books available as well. A little research may yield an amazing amount of beneficial information to start guiding you toward the change you are seeking.
If you haven’t yet done so, subscribe to my Positive Living Tips! (Just enter your email in the yellow box.) And be sure to check out www.healyourlife.com for some fantastic ways to bring positive and exciting change into your life!
Affirmation, Attitude, Action:
- My reality is filled with an abundance of pleasurable and fulfilling aspects.
- I enjoy all the positive and loving facets of my life.
- I warmly welcome all change for the better.
Are you the kind of person who gets so caught up in work, obligations, multi-tasking and the frenetic pace of life that you just forget to have some plain old fun? Then you are not alone! Many people find themselves stuck in the seriousness of daily living without any daily fun-time.
Yes, you can say the economy is not the best and you can find a million reasons to get caught up with the “business” of life. However, it’s good for the body, mind and spirit to bring a note of fun into your reality every single day!
Amusement, laughter, lightheartedness and humor are all essential to combating stress in our lives. They reduce negativity and help keep you in more positive attitude. When making a list of all your daily goals or writing your To Do list, make sure you write: Do Something Fun Today!
What’s fun to one person may not be fun for another. For instance, playing a computer game may be a great past time for one person, but to another, spending one more moment in front of a monitor after a long day at the office is more torturous than anything else.
So decide what’s fun for YOU and add it to your written or mental “agenda” for the day. Whether it’s dancing in the living room to salsa music, giggling with your child over an entertaining TV show, hiking the local trail, or sharing a laugh with a good friend see if you can schedule it. If you’re not sure what your exact activity will be, then just set aside a block of time for it.
Remember, it’s perfectly okay to get silly. Let your inner child come out and play for awhile. Laughter is so beneficial for our overall attitude and well being.
So what will YOU do for fun?
Play a game or a sport?
Connect with an old friend (or new one)?
Watch a laugh-out-loud YouTube video?
Play a game of fetch with your favorite canine?
Catch a current movie in the theater (comedies are great mood lifters!)
Take an upbeat jog around the neighborhood?
Do what feels right for you to help keep you positive!
Affirmation, Attitude, Action series to get in the “fun” mode.
- Each and every day I make time for fun and laughter — and I greet the world with a smile.
- It is easy for me to focus on the humor and joy in my everyday life.
- Each day I choose to do things that are uplifting — and that reflect my own unique sense of fun.
All the motivational experts encourage us to incorporate a gratitude practice into our lives. This helps bring us into a positive state of awareness and receiving. As we appreciate and focus on the good in our lives, the exhilarating positive vibrations that we give off serve to draw more of the same to us! The understanding and use of this concept can greatly enhance our feelings of well-being.
I believe that one of the most powerful ways to focus on appreciation is at the end of our day. When we are winding down from all the activity of the day and our mind starts to quiet, then we can effectively tune in to our inner thoughts and body rhythms. We can then clearly reflect on what we are grateful for from that day.
Here are a few suggestions for some end-of-day thankfulness:
1) Affirmations – Write a few positive gratitude statements about those events/people that inspired appreciation within you that particular day. These can be very specific, about particular people, circumstances of positive events. Or they can be general, just picking up on the upbeat emotions of the day. Of course, you can even repeat them in the morning to remind you of the good-feeling state of mind from the night before.
2) Journaling – Take a few minutes to write in a “gratitude journal” or notebook. Or just write a “gratitude note.” You don’t need to write an entire volume — just a few clear sentences about those especially fulfilling moments in your day that caught the gratitude feeling in your heart!
3) Gratitude in the Mirror – Jack Canfield, in his book “The Success Principles,” suggests a very empowering, but unique gratitude practice. Look at yourself in the mirror and say your name and “I appreciate you” and then say a series of statements reflecting on your day and your accomplishments, both small and large.
I use this method and feel quite positive and joyful afterward. I try to do this late at night, right before bed, so this helps get my subconscious mind into a calm and uplifted place. For example, I might say “Sheryl, I appreciate all you’ve done today. You wrote two blog posts. You made several new business contacts. You worked on building your Reiki practice. You set two new goals. Even though you really didn’t feel like it, you did a full weight-training workout at the gym and you felt great afterward. You cooked a tasty and nutritious meal.”
Then — and this is essential — express love for yourself! This may feel and seem odd at first, but if you can get into this, it is a very effective self-empowerment tool.
4) Gratitude Moments at Bedtime – If mirror work does not quite resonate with you, then try a few “gratitude” moments right before bed, or even in bed, before you drift off to sleep. Take these calm moments to reflect on your day. Choose those times, activities and accomplishments that were meaningful to you. Appreciate the goodness of your day.
Even if you feel it was a difficult day overall, FIND those bright spots and center in on those. If you had a tough day on the job, but you finished a project, or moved along on one, or helped someone out at work, celebrate that. Any special family or friend moments are those to fondly recall at the end of the day.
Appreciate yourself too. Thank yourself for just being you and for doing the best that you can with the knowledge and life understanding that you have. Then, let yourself be lulled to sleep in this positive state of mind.
Affirmation, Action, Attitude
- For me, each day is filled with many positive and beautiful aspects.
- I happily reflect on all the uplifting people, events and adventures of today – and I am grateful.
- I joyfully anticipate new and positive experiences for tomorrow.
“If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn’t ask me, I’d still have to say it.” – George Burns, Comedian (who lived to be 100)
Stress – doesn’t the very word give you the jitters and bring up instantaneous negative feelings? The thought and vibration of stress can set your mind and heart racing, cause you to sweat, and bring up feelings of panic, tension and nervousness.
Stress is a word that has been hyped up as a catchall phrase for anything that we believe stimulates physical, mental or emotional strain or tension within us. I have been writing a series of stress reduction articles and have been doing much reading and research on this topic — wow, is there a volume of information about stress and its effects!
From a scientific viewpoint, an article on the Mayo Clinic’s website states that feeling “stressed out” for a long period of time can affect the body’s overall healthy balance and eventually result in some serious physical conditions such as heart disease, sleep problems, digestive issues, depression, obesity, memory impairment and skin conditions.
Stress disrupts the normal processes of the body and causes our entire system to feel out of balance. That is why it is essential to remain as stress-free as possible, and find ways to reduce or eliminate stress in your own life. There are so many different actions you can take (including relaxation techniques, self-healing practices, meditation, physical exercise, and many more.)
However, one important factor to consider is your overall attitude toward stress. I consider stress more of an “inside job” rather than an external set of circumstances. Of course, inconvenient and unpleasant things do happen in our lives, but it is our perceptions and reactions to these events that determine how we feel. So we have to know that we can CHOOSE to not let external events get the better of us.
We can choose to look inward, strengthen our reserves, remain in a space and place of balance, and refuse to be “stressed out.” It takes inner work, but it IS possible. And if you do begin to focus in this way, your overall well-being will be better for it and you will certainly feel calmer and more peaceful, and perhaps even add years to your life!
Several years ago, I gave a special presentation about Reiki to a group of women who wanted to learn more about this system. One of the attendees was a Biofeedback therapist. However, I was not aware of that until later. At the end of my talk, I offered free Reiki mini-sessions to those that were interested. I had a small quiet area set up for this purpose.
After giving these brief sessions, the Biofeedback therapist identified herself and her work. She said she had greatly enjoyed the Reik treatment and then invited me to her office as a bit of an experiment. I think she was curious to see if my Reiki background and related breathing techniques would be similar to what she was teaching her Biofeedback clients. The techniques she teaches her clients help them relax deeply to aid in stress and anxiety reduction.
I have to admit I was a bit nervous about the experiment. Could I relax and get into the meditative “breathing zone” on cue? At her office, she connected me to all sorts of wires and equipment. The therapist then asked me to do a variety of breathing tests and techniques. Amazingly, I was able to quiet my mind (even in the coldly scientific setting) and promptly picked up on all that I was asked to do. The breathing techniques that took her clients weeks and months to learn using the Biodfeedback method was something that I had already mastered through my Reiki practice!
Those who have high levels of stress and anxiety do very shallow “chest” breathing. This disrupts the balance of oxygen and carbon dioxide necessary to be in a more relaxed state. Continued chest breathing leads to continued anxiety.
Biofeedback teaches Diaphragmatic Breathing (stomach breathing). Using this method, when we breathe in, we push the diapraghm muscle down and our stomach moves forward. When we exhale, the muscle moves back to the resting position and our stomach contracts back in. There is very little chest movement, if any at all.
As part of the Japanese Reiki techniques and teachings. I have learned what is called “Hara” breathing. The hara is the area that is about 2-3 finger widths below the belly button. We inhale a breath that goes all the way down to the hara area, expanding the stomach, much the same as Diaphragmatic Breathing. Then we exhale slowly, allowing the stomach to move back to resting position. Try this relaxation breathing technique — you can do it either laying down or sitting. Breathe in for a count of three and exhale for a count of six. Focus on your breathing and just RELAX.
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